I can't stop blaming myself for her death. She died because of me, because I gave her away. If I refused, she wouldn't be hit a car & breathed her last. I should have waited til hubby found a proper cage to keep her in.
I recalled putting her into the box, when she fought, I took her into my arms & soothed her. It worked, she fell asleep fast. I knew she trusted me with her life but I decided to let her go. After all, hubby's nephew was the next kitten-sitter-to-be Yea, I know I made a wrong decision that cost her life & my whole life regret. I felt so sad, so very sad. Things I remembered about her on her last day:-
1) The look on her eyes: when she gave me a long indescribable stare from the not so comfy box. (I guess she wanted to say, why?)
2) Four claw marks on my right thumb: when she tried to reach out for me from the box-hole I made earlier. (I wish these marks won't heal though it hurts, to remind me not to forget her)
3) I said to her (now this sounds crazy), "we'll meet soon. I'll be around to see you grow up". Hubby's nephew smiled when he saw me shedding my tears while saying goodbye.
4) I dreamed of her during my noon nap, after hubby told me she managed to escape from the box. In my dream, she was lying down playing with my fingers when suddenly she had breathing difficulty. I rolled her over few times to ensure she's OK. (oh what a sign...)
I received a wake up call. It's hubby with his terrible news. I cried my heart out & just shook my head. He said sorry but what's the point. my kitten won't come back. I'm not mad at him, it's just.. I wish that I didn't let her go. I can't imagine the pain she felt during her final breath, I hope she didn't feel any pain. You see, I have this belief that when our pets die, they go to Heaven & God will take care for them. That's the way I sooth myself.
